turtle.

When I was in college, I didn't join a fraternity and I never went on a panty raid. But I feel like I've learned pretty much all that I need to know about life from Hollywood movies, so I think I have a handle on how a panty raid should work. Basically, the name of the game is speed. You get in, you grab some underwear, and you get out. It's a snatch 'n' grab; there's no time for lollygagging. That's why I'm not sure a tortoise is the best man for the job. You know how in every heist flick, the leader of the gang of thieves assigns a job to each person based on his or her special skills? Well whoever was in charge of this caper definitely messed up this part of the operation. Too slow! ...

You'd think that whenever Teddy Bear shows up, it would sate our obsession with animal noms. But the truth is that the opposite occurs. We want to see more noms. With that in mind, here's a super dramatic time-lapse video of a tortoise eating a pile of salad. Why time-lapse? Because tortoises are slow, dummy! You don't have all day to watch this and neither do we. Also, because time-lapse is just cooler than regular-lapse. That's a science fact. ...

We have to say, this parakeet seems a lot more stressed out about its turtle taxi ride than previous animals have been when riding on turtles. Perhaps it didn't realize it was resting on a living creature in the first place. As still as that turtle is for the first chunk of this video, it's not unreasonable to imagine the bird thought it had found a comfortable rock to sit on before it suddenly took off at a speed we can only describe as impressive for what's supposed to be a slow-moving creature. ...

We can't get enough of turtles lately. We can't get enough of turtles eating things. First it was pumpkin pie; now it's strawberries. Get your nom on, turtles! ...

Turtles, it turns out, are like some other species in that they may bully each other. But like everything else they do, they do it slowly. That makes it more cruel, we think. The dragging it out. Watch this bully slowly, slowly, inch by inch push his relaxing pal over the edge of this pool. Obviously the victim knew what was coming, but what was he supposed to do? Dash away quick? ...

We're seriously in love with turtles lately, you guys. Check out this talented little dude. Maybe he's not technically playing the piano, but he's definitely tickling those ivories. If we could find a turtle to do this with our piano alarm clocks every day, we'd never have a bad morning or show up to work grouchy ever again. ...