Bronx Zoo Cobra Shares Dating Advice, Just in Time for Valentine's Day
I know a lot of you dread the approaching Valentine's Day. The holiday can be terrifying, and not just because there's a flying, heavily armed baby on the loose, but because of the pressures of dating. I watched "Sex and the City" (I'm totally a Miranda, btw), so I know all about what you humans go through. It can be a zoo out there. Dating is so much easier in the snake kingdom. To help you out, here's some reptilian dating advice to make this the best Valentine's Day ever (which still ranks it as one of the worst days of the year).
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Finding an eligible date:
In the snake world, the male snake uses his tongue to detect pheromones to determine the sex, species and availability of the other snake. As effective as that is for us, I do NOT recommend licking strangers. This is nearly totally ineffective. And in the instances that licking a stranger yields a date, I would be afraid for both parties and humanity in general.
So what should you humans do in lieu of licking? Try talking. See? You get to use your tongues after all. Use your talking-tongue to determine interest and availability of your potential date. Determine if you have common interests. Talk about your favorite foods. Do you have the same favorite rodent snack? Talk fashion. Have you both moulted recently? Talk movies. Did you both cry at the end of "Anaconda"? (Who didn't?)
Now that you have established compatibility, spend some time together. In the snake kingdom, the female snake plays hard to get for a while. I highly recommend this. You don't want to wind up with someone just interested in getting some tail. And we're mostly tail. Nobody wants the snake who gives her venom for free. So, take your time and get to know each other. It's not mating day; it's mating season.
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When the time is right:
Be sure to set the scene to make it romantic and special. Gentlemen, the ladies love a nice ophidiarium. Lady snakes love fresh water, but you could try champagne - just make sure the bowl you pour it in is clean and free of debris. Make sure your rock is heated to a comfortable temperature. The secret to the seduction is making your date feel at home and relaxed. Perhaps have her favorite rodents dipped in chocolate ready. (Strawberries are so 1990s.) Put on some music to set the mood. I recommend flute music. Charms me every time.
In the moment:
For snakes, the act can take a few hours to a few days. Also, male snakes have two penises. Neither of these facts are relevant to you. I'm just bragging.
In the afterglow:
Be like the boa constrictor and cuddle. But, also don't be like the boa constrictor and smother your date to death. There is a fine line here.
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In the end, the secret to dating and finding love is just don't be cold-blooded. Take it from a snake. We know our stuff. Who do you think got Adam and Eve together? Without us, where would you be now? You're welcome.