Mourning The Loss Of A Pet

All of these emotion-ridden actions and attitudes are part of the normal grief process, say pet-bereavement counselors. As more of us come to regard our dog, cat, or other pet as a valued member of the family, its death takes a greater personal toll on us.

Grief and Healing

"No matter how it happens, we are never ready emotionally for a beloved pet's death," says Wallace Sife, PhD, a clinical psychologist and founder of the Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement in New York City. "Many of us bond with our pets as if they were our children, but we can't protect them from illness or death. When Edel Meister, my miniature dachshund, died 14 years ago, I became an emotional basket case despite my professional training and experience. But then I perceived it as a potential turning point and soon became determined to dedicate my life to helping others go through the grieving and healing process."

The healthiest way to honor your pet's memory is to recognize that you need to grieve before you can heal, says Lorri Greene, PhD, a licensed psychologist who facilitates pet-loss support groups for the San Diego County Pet Bereavement Program in conjunction with the San Diego Humane Society. Dr. Greene says that most pet owners go through a grieving process that includes emotions ranging from denial to anger to depression and back again before an ultimate acceptance of their loss. "It may take you days, weeks, or even months to go through this process, and not everyone goes through it in a linear fashion," says Dr. Greene. "It is common to bounce back and forth from feeling anger to, say, feeling depressed."

And don't overlook the clout that guilt may deliver. "If you must euthanize your pet because you can't afford expensive treatments, or your dog slipped out your door and got hit and killed by a car, you may feel like a failure," says Dr. Greene.

10 Tips for Coping:

Our experts offer these strategies to help you recover from the death of a pet.

1. Give yourself permission to grieve. Denying these natural emotions can elevate stress and physical fatigue and can even suppress healing.

2. Seek out friends and family members who share your compassion for animals. Focus more on their good intentions and not necessarily their words.

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3. Dismiss and ignore comments from individuals who may trivialize your loss. "Those who have never had a pet are more likely to be judgmental or critical of your grieving," says Dr. Sife.

4. Recognize that your departed pet is one of a kind who can never be replaced. "When you are ready to have a new pet, embrace him for his uniqueness and avoid comparing him with previous pets," says Dr. Greene.

5. Treat yourself well. Eat nutritious meals, and get ample sleep and exercise. Try these 13 Foods That Boost Your Mood.

6. Fight through blue moods by exercising. Physical activity helps to raise endorphins and other feel-good hormones in your body. Take longer walks, for example, in scenic areas.

7. Never say "Never again." Avoid declarations such as "I will never get another pet." These statements hinder healing.

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8. Ritualize the pet's death through a ceremony or memorial service. "These are very therapeutic," says Dr. Sife. "But perhaps the greatest way to honor the memory of your pet is to learn how to become a better person as a result of having him in your life."

9. Spend time recalling happy memories of times that you shared with your pet. When the Karellas lost Snickle, they spent the rest of that day sitting on the back porch, a favorite place for Snickle, and sharing tearful embraces and fond memories of their long-living feline friend. Over the weeks that followed, sharing similar memories and moments helped the Karellas come to terms with the loss in a gentle and loving way.

10. Consider writing a letter to and from your departed pet. "The human brain can suppress and repress a lot of thoughts, and this letter-writing technique is a way to bring out creative thoughts. Seeing these words printed on a page can help in your bereavement process," says Dr. Greene.

Helping Others Heal

Don't forget the feelings of others affected by the pet's death, especially children and other pets. Say "died," not "put to sleep," when describing a pet's death to children under 14.

"A child may need an operation and hear the doctor tell him that he will 'put him to sleep,' and that may unduly frighten the child," says Dr. Greene. "Also, don't say 'God loved Fluffy so much that he brought him to heaven.' Avoid euphemisms; go with honesty."