Snake Has a Foot, Scares Bejesus Out of Sleeping Woman

By Paul Ciampanelli Sep 28th 2009

A snake with two heads? Pedestrian. We see it all the time.

Recently, though, a woman in China found herself with a truly new reptilian phenomenon. Dean Qiongxiu of Suining described her (and our) waking nightmare to The (U.K.) Telegraph thusly: "I woke up and heard a strange scratching sound. I turned on the light and saw this monster working its way along the wall using his claw." The monster in this case was a snake, and no, you're not reading that wrong; she did say "claw." The snake had a claw. A claw attached to a foot, attached to a leg, attached to a snake. Climbing a wall. In someone's bedroom.

Naturally, Ms. Qiongxiu did what any sane person would do: she freaked out and beat the demon-spawn snake to death with a shoe. Then she immediately preserved the body in a jar of alcohol so she could keep it forever and show absolutely everybody she's ever met or will ever meet.

Scientists are baffled. "It is truly shocking but we won't know the cause until we've conducted an autopsy," snake expert Long Shuai of China's West Normal University told The Telegraph.

Here's a theory: it's the Apocalypse. One thing we're pretty sure of is that snakes aren't supposed to have legs and feet. It's one of those certainties one holds deep down inside oneself. It keeps one grounded. When everything else in your life is up in the air, you can tell yourself, "I've grown confused about a lot of things I thought I knew to be true, but there is still one thing I'm sure of: snakes ain't got legs." When that goes out the window, your whole being quakes with a kind of fear so pure and true that it can come only from staring directly into the Abyss.

We at Paw Nation will continue to keep our eyes peeled for other signs that the End Times are upon us. Keep checking back for more evidence of the lifting of the veil.